When your husband is on the other side of the country visiting his son but staying with his ex and you’re a hormonal, emotional pregnant person whose irrational, insecure brain just won’t shut up. Super fun times.
Put thoughts into writing.
The swirling mess in my head is pushing to come out,
But I can’t articulate it.
So much noise,
So much going on.
Sometimes I feel like I’m still that teenager who graduated high school, like I don’t -feel- different but then I go to uni with students who have just graduated high school and suddenly I feel old. It’s been over 10 years since I left school and getting back into study has been a challenging and eye opening experience. I forgot how much I loved to ‘book learn’. Years 11 and 12 at school burnt me out. By the time I got there, I had no drive; didn’t help back then that didn’t want to go to uni so high marks were not needed of me. I pretty much stayed on because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. But going through the HSC really put me off study and showed in the years after that, as previous to my uni foundation course I had not actually finished a course of study. I’ve started plenty but it petered out when I realised I had no actual interest in doing that as a career.
Being back university has been wonderful, it’s great to use my brain in a way that feels rusty and it’s definitely been stressful trying to think academically again and I think somehow I found myself in a degree I’m really enjoying even though it was not my intended program when I first embarked on this journey.
But being around lots of school leavers has got me feeling ancient. I’ve grown so much since I left school, I’ve learnt many life lessons, had many different a experiences and I feel that is making me appreciate my tertiary journey a whole lot more. However, it’s not something I’ve really noticed about myself until now.
Now I can compare with people fresh out of high school with the whole wide world in front of them. And it’s refreshing.
Last Wednesday, to prove my husband wrong, I took a pregnancy test. Within seconds of peeing on that stick, two dark lines appeared.
Not too long ago I decided I was done. No more babies for me. We have 3 together and that’s a great number. I’m into the first year of my undergraduate degree, I am happy with the way work is going, I am beyond stoked with the regular show I’m a part of (they’re a great bunch and it’s wonderful to have a steady paid gig).
There’s another option floating around our house. We haven’t discussed it much, neither of us know what we really want. My history with pregnancy is murky, I’ve had 3 miscarriages so maybe it won’t stick…
So many pros and cons for progressing with our pregnancy and also for not progressing with our pregnancy. Our life is on track, we are in a comfortable routine and a comfortable dynamic within our family. My career and study is progressing and our finances will take a hit.
But a baby. A fresh, new baby that I created with my husband. The chance of conceiving at that time was pretty slim. I’ve always thought I’d have 3 babies. When I had my youngest, at the time, I didn’t think she was my last but then plans changed. Maybe they will change again, maybe this is the universe telling me something. Another journey of firsts, and discovering the little person your child is growing into. Getting to know their character, their personality, watching them grow.
Honestly, I don’t really know what I want. I wish I did, things would be easy. So much more mulling to do. Thinking. Weighing our options.
Life is a wild ride.
Don’t you just love when you think you have shit worked out, the universe comes along and chucks something your way; something you weren’t prepared for and definitely didn’t factor into your plans? Fuck man. Life is crazy. Never for minute does it rest and let you cruise along and enjoy your decisions.
At least it’s interesting I guess. This life I’m living.
I feel a pull to write shit down, I’m not really sure why. I’ve never been a diary keeper, and the few blogs I’ve tried to start have all been forgotten within weeks. Maybe this one will be different, or just maybe it will be the same. Putting thoughts on paper (or a screen) has never been something that comes easy. My head is full of thoughts that I usually process internally. But, at the same time, writing things down has always drawn me in. I’m a list maker for sure – to do lists, grocery lists, packing lists; I love making lists. Long, eloquent blog posts that accurately display my feelings, emotions, processes; not so much.
We’ll see. Someone may never see this, and it will always be personal but then again, it’s posted on the internet for everyone to see. So very public, but feeling very personal.